making moves.

January: what a tough month. The holidays are over, people are struggling to stick to their new year resolutions, and the temperature drops way more than I am comfortable with. And for people like me, deadlines are consistently upon us for things we don't even plan to start until summer or fall.

I finally took the plunge. So far, I have applied to one graduate school and a teaching fellows program. I also have two other grad schools I plan on completing applications for. I'm excited to have a direction and something that I really hope works out for me. But once again, I'm struggling with the "play it by ear" and "live in the moment" ideals. I'm stressed about the timing of these programs in correlation with when my VT lease ends and Megan's wedding, about getting in at all, and the financial aspect of it all. If I don't get into the programs but still want to move to NYC, I'd have to find a last minute nanny job that can support me financially for the expensive living tastes of good old Manhattan.

And then there's Nick. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm making all these big plans and moving on without him, but that's not the case at all. I hope with all my heart we can find a way to work things out, but I'm not comfortable sitting around and waiting to see what happens. I'm the kind of person that needs a plan. He is much more laid back and is better at the step-by-step way of living. I don't see him being as excited about NYC as me, but obviously I secretly hope he could learn to like the idea. If not though, I trust our relationship to the point where if he needs to go somewhere else, that is ok. Long distance always sucks, but if we were to make a plan together and be honest about what we want in the near future, I think we could overcome it. I'm grateful that I have this much trust in our relationship, but it doesn't help subdue the feelings of anxiety as I wonder what the results will be for us over the next few months.

I'm also getting pressure from Pam, my boss. She seriously doesn't want me to leave. I have to admit it feels weird to think about leaving this job in less than four months - I feel like I started yesterday. Asher has become such an integral part of my daily routine - I think I spend more time with him than his parents do! I want to watch him get older and go to Kindergarten for the first time, and learn to read and write. Pam went so far as to suggest that I look into getting my degree online. Um, no thanks. But hearing her desperation and pleas definitely foreshadows how hard it is going to be to leave Burlington, amongst a million other reasons, obviously.

Sigh.

Hopefully it's just the cold weather that's stirring all these crazy thoughts in my head. I know that I can be and will be more positive about everything- I think I'm just feeling a little stir-crazy. I really do trust that everything happens for a reason and that whatever my results end up being, it will be what is meant for me. Now I just need to learn to take a deep breath, sit back, and see how the cookie crumbles.