travel itch.

Although I am in a much better and brighter place - a cozier apartment, a more exciting neighborhood - I mentioned yesterday that I cannot help but fantasize about what comes next. I like New York, a lot, but I'm not in love with it and I know that I don't see myself here after graduation. Nick and I have played with a number of ideas - San Francisco, Denver, Boston, somewhere in Maine...but I wonder when this game stops. Will I always be wanting more, something new, something different? I know it all changes when you start a career or have kids or even just love a place enough to stay there indefinitely - but when does that start?

I get pangs of jealousy or nostalgia when I think about my friends who are living abroad or even just traveling across the country, living in their cars, in the midst of a massive adventure. It is childish of me - I have had an abundant life experience full of travel and adventure but I still selfishly want it for myself when I hear about others getting their turn.

But now I'm confused. What exactly is it that I am anxious for? Another opportunity to be free of the weights of responsibility and to travel around this country or this world and not worry about settling into a life-long career? Or am I also excited to move to a place of choice, where "home" means a house, trees, knowing the people at the corner supermarket, riding a bike to the water on hot days, and in between that all, establishing myself in a career I am working passionately toward?

I think I am excited for the balance. I have spent most of my life having the privilege of doing as I please - I have traveled from Tennessee to Tibet, attended several music shows and festivals, visited my friends' homes around the country, and more. What I didn't have was the path, the direction, the career. Now I'm anxious for it. I want my life to be a rock - settled in a positive and firm way where I am happy, comfortable, ambitious, and hard-working. You could argue that's what I'm doing now, here in New York, but it's not the same. I'm not there yet. I don't make money, the school schedule and homework limit what I can do with my time, and New York doesn't quite feel like home.

Wherever I end up, I will probably always itch for travel and adventure. The hope is that when these adventures end, whether it is a weekend on the road, or a week camping in the mountains, or two weeks visiting home for Christmas, that the place I return home to is a relief, is comfortable, is a thrill to return to. Then I can be happy going back and forth between being rooted in place and taking off on mini-adventures when time and money permit.