A Girl Called Jhani

The past two days have been both a whirlwind and a stagnant period of melancholy. On Saturday evening, I was at a beer garden with friends when I got a call from my aunt. I was exiting the beer garden through the noisy and crowded bar so I decided to reject the call. As I did so, I saw an email from my cousin that expressed concern and sympathy regarding my father. The next two minutes are hard to remember. I just know that I called my aunt and when she picked up the phone, I knew something had gone horribly awry. She told me my father had had a heart attack and was gone.

The details regarding what happened are still not complete for me, and as I get ready to hop on a plane to California, I know that learning the details will both tear me apart but also help me in the long process of trying to get through this terrible time. I know that he was on a bike ride, on a beautiful day, with a few of his best friends when the heart attack happened. For this, I am grateful. I am grateful he wasn't at work or running mundane errands. I am also grateful that my stepmother and my little brother Sammy were not around to witness his death. And ultimately, I am grateful that it happened while he was doing something that he had an insane passion for.

It has not yet been 48 hours and as a result, this crisis is still wholly surreal. I am relaxed and collected one moment and uncontrollably weeping the next. I predict many odd and unfathomable moments in the next few days. Landing in San Francisco mere minutes away from my father's animal hospital will be a hit to the heart, as well as the drive home to Marin, as well as seeing the front door of his house. I am nervous about seeing my family because I know that the pain will hit even harder then, but I also know that nothing in this world is more important at this moment - us all being together.

I didn't come on the blog to write this much, though. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me so I think maybe I can't help myself right now. But anyway, what I really came on here to do, is to thank you all. A lot of people in my life didn't know my dad well or even at all, but the words of support and sympathy have been positively overwhelming. People I haven't heard from in years or people who I'm not even that close with have reached out through facebook messages, emails, text messages, and phone calls. I haven't answered any of these messages because I'm not in a place to hold a "conversation" with anyone right now, but I hope you know that nothing has gone unnoticed and if anything, has helped me start the grieving process in the strongest way possible. I have a long road ahead of me but hearing from people, especially people who loved and admired my father, has helped shed the tears that need to be shed.

Losing a loved one is such a terrible tragedy, but one that comes with such a significant silver lining. There is a darkness in my family's life right now but a brightness that comes from knowing how many people truly cared about my father and how much his absence will truly be felt. He was larger than life and thus, the loss we feel and the memories we hold are larger than life as well, and always will be.

Again, I'm not answering messages right now but I am reading and listening to them and greatly appreciating them. My dad would have been thrilled to know that the people he loved are being taken care of, and are taking care of each other.